I Hold a Grudge

I love that line. "If you forgive, it's completely, completely." 

I haven't struggled too much with the idea of forgiveness. In fact, some people might say that I forgive too easily. I don't necessarily hold a grudge. I get my feelings hurt when I hear about people not forgiving others. Don't get me wrong, I definitely pout and get angry at people and judge people unkindly. I do a lot of things wrong. But I don't have too hard of a time forgiving people. That is, anyone but myself. 

I have done a few things in my life that I let myself feel so badly about that I think I will never forgive myself. I have treated people horribly, and I have made horrible, unchangeable decisions. Some things haunt me from years ago and I think there is no way I will ever forgive myself. And even if I start to forgive myself, a few weeks or months later, a memory will creep back in and I will spend the next few days mad at myself or reminding myself what a horrible person I can be. Obviously, I have not forgiven myself completely. 

I see it as a lack of faith. I don't get to make the decision not to forgive myself. There's nothing that I've done, and there's nothing that you've done, that God hasn't forgiven you for. We don't have the privilege of not forgiving someone and that includes not forgiving ourselves. We have to forgive and we have to forgive completely.

"Otherwise it wouldn't be forgiveness."